i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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