sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
