Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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