so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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