Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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