The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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