I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
