Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
