hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
