I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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