Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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