you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
