Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
