People with herpes should wear stickers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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