hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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