He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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