I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
