the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
