At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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