and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
