Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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