I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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