By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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