My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
