so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
