We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
