You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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