Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
