You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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