Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
