bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
then he tried to convert me to islam
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
