You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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