On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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