I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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