I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
