I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
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