I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
