I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
