I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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