It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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