Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you're hired as official boob wrangler
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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