I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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