so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
