I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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