Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
