are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
