cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
