Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
