I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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