I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
