six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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