i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
