No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
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You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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