i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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