I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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