Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
